Just this morning I was scratching around in my straw bedding in search of a piece of carrot I had misplaced yesterday, when I came across an interesting headline on the newspaper that lines the bottom of my cage. "Shooting Fractures America" it shouted. I read on, as any guinea pig would. The article concerned the pleas of America's Irish president - Barry O'Barmer, for all Americans to heal the fracture in society caused by the most recent mass shooting in Arizona which killed six people. Heavens above! I nearly choked on my carrot. (Which, by the way I had discovered inside one of my toilet roll innards.) This alleged fracture in American society can only mean that a sizeable proportion of the population must think it a good thing that some total fruitcake has picked up a gun and shot a whole load of innocent people, including a nine year old girl.
The line of those lovely gentle folk at the National Rifle Association is that "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." That may be true but people wouldn't kill half as many people if they didn't have such easy access to guns. I assume that the NRA would have no objections to people having their own nuclear arsenal because people kill people, nuclear weapons don't. Ye Gods!! What a crock, as you Americans like to say. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know the right to bear arms is enshrined in the constitution's second amendment, but for Christ's sake why doesn't someone have the guts to change it. They'd have to have guts too because once they'd stated their opposition to the right to bear arms they'd be as dead as a guinea pig in a Peruvian McDonalds. In fact I'm expecting a friendly visit from the NRA myself. Probably a McDonald's lawyer too, come to think of it.
Actually, it is a little known fact that The Right To Bear Arms is in fact a misprint. It should actually be The Right to Bare Arms and is in fact meant to enshrine people's right to wear short-sleeved shirts, but with all those gun-toting maniacs around nobody dare point out this simple typing error.
Meanwhile, still in the Home of the Free and the Land of the Brave I see that a prisoner in the Nassau County Correctional Centre is suing the county because he had his willy bitten by a rat whilst in prison. The defendants are saying that it wasn't a rat, but a mouse - like that makes a difference! The article goes on to say that he had to be treated for rabies - though it's not clear whether they mean the man or the rodent. I'd also like to know how he reported the incident. You couldn't just whip out your "old feller" and shout "Hey Warden! Take a look at this!" You'd be doing a further six months for indecent exposure before you could say "a rat bit my willy." Only in America, as they say. Although it does give me one or two ideas for the next time my male staff has me on his lap brushing my fur.